Sunday, July 26, 2015

8 Sentence Sunday: Outlaw Born snippet

Finally getting back into a writing groove and Ben Mason has been demanding attention to his story. I'm joining other Weekend Writing Warriors in sharing an eight to ten sentence excerpt of our WIPs. So here is a snippet from my work-in-progress Outlaw Born.

Orphaned young and raised by a preacher's family Benjamin Mason became a good man. He wanted to forget and erase his real father's legacy of blood and violence from their name for his own son.

Then tragedy struck. The law wouldn’t give him justice, so he would take it. After all, wasn’t he born to be this kind of man, an outlaw filled with hell and vengeance in his blood? Ben Mason is outlaw born.

8 Sentence Excerpt
The battle felt as though it had gone on for days, instead of hours. The day had faded into dusk when they heard the Confederate officers recall their men. Once Johnny Reb is out of sight, the men cheered. More for the joy that they still took breath than for the victory.

Ben surveyed the damage. He was thankful the cannon had dulled his hearing. This night he would get a reprieve from the cries of those fatally wounded, as they called out for someone to take their final words home.

Ben took count of his men as they began to emerge from the trenches. Their numbers appeared reduced, but most were still with him.

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Ed Hoornaert said...

You've captured Ben's exhaustion and muted horror, especially in the line about being glad he'd couldn't hear well.

Teresa Cypher said...

I like it, Elise. The reader gets a good sense of what has happened here, who did it, and how the MC needs this break from the heartache of dying men.

A couple of things jumped out at me. In the first and second sentences, the word "day' so close together tripped up my reading. Maybe reword one of them?

The other, this sentence I think you've missed a word. "Once Johnny Reb out of sight..." I do that all of the time when I'm getting a post ready for wewriwa. I must write it 15 different ways before I find one I'm satisfied with. But too often, I have parts of the 14th and the 15th try mixed together in my post. ;-)

Good excerpt. I'm a big fan of Civil War era stories. :-)

Christina Ochs said...

Marvelous description of a battle's aftermath. I love war stories.

Ink Dipped Moon said...

I like it. Ben is such an interesting character. I can't wait to read more about him.

Sara Barnard said...

Great showing ... love the Civil War time period. Can't wait to see what happens next!

Elizabeth Alsobrooks said...

Love the bad hearing as a blessing detail. I also really liked the mood and tone of this snippet. Well done! Thanks for sharing.

Daryl Devore said...

Wow - that was fabulous - gripping - in so few words and sentences.

Victoria Adams said...

powerful powerful line - More for the joy that they still took breath than for the victory.

Aurora Springer said...

Ben seems dulled by the experience too.

Veronica Scott said...

Very powerful and the details, while horrifying, seemed very true to life for the era.